Sorry about that last post...I had big plans I did but something else bigger is coming up!
It's Halloween time!
The time of year when people get to exploit them selves and dress like a slutty nurse, or a slutty soldier, or a slutty Goldilocks, or a slutty slut all for the sake of Halloween! Woooo!!!!
As a (part time) bartender I LOVED Halloween. Have you ever seen a 7 foot tall Gumby fall asleep and knock a beer over with his head? Well I have! How about Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz fall on the dance floor and get to see that her yellow brick road may be more manicured than you'd thought!?!
The other thing about Halloween that I love is spirits...
Now I am not a religious person. Some may say I am an atheist, my mom might say I am a heathen and she raised me better than that. What I do believe in though, is ghosts!
If you are reading this and thinking I AM a heathen: no I don't need to be saved, yes I have thought about accepting Jesus Christ and my lord and saviour and no I do not want your "watchtower".
Yeah yeah, I know how contradictory that is. No god, but ghosts? Heck yeah! Anything spiritual gets my blood boiling in anticip-p-p-p-ation! I have always felt like I have outside senses, I have felt that prickle on the back of my neck, seen a ghost and had dreams that come true in real life. Crazy? Maybe, I never rule anything out but here's the hitch...I'm going to see my first psychic EVER this Saturday. Not one of those gypsy women who look into a crystal ball and make you drink tea and steal your coins. No...a real, dead body finding, baby predicting, super cool effing psychic! I'm like a witness waiting for the coming of Christ, if you're into that sort of thing... Maybe she can tell me if I have awesome ghostly super powers like I think I do, or worse that I don't.
Okay, back to topic: Food for thought.
Every religion boasts their spiritual hoopla for the deceased. Do they go to heaven? Have 72 virgin wives? Eat pork? Here's the rub...what about the ones who get stuck? Not alive, not in a 73 person post-virginal orgy but stuck in the middle where cats stare at you and you can walk through effing walls!
For shits, giggles and imagery think back to that scene in The Exorcist where her head turns and the vomiting happens. Got it? Good. Now...the faithful father's who helped went through the standard list. Father 1 to Father 2: "Holy Water? Check. Yelling things about the power of Christ? Check. Why the fuck is this girl not responding? Those are standard Demon GTFO's!" Well smarty pants, ever think she might be condemned by a Jewish demon? What about a Kabbalah demon? You know what ever is holding up Madonna's bony frame is evil. How about Presbyterian? Methodist? Here's my point: If I, as a cussing, drinking, fornicating unmarried mother of two, don't recognize a single religion...what if the demon that inhabits the body doesn't??? I can tell you right now if I don't make it to the "other side" and decide it might be fun to make someone my puppet bitch, you can throw all the holy water, kool-aid and verbal abuse you got at me! This puppet is way cooler that hanging out in the closet at the bottom of the stairs making "Ooooooo" noises and moving your keys.
A Jewish Rabi, a Methodist Minister and a Catholic Priest all doth protest too much when the demon inhabiting the body is an atheist. Guaran-goddamn-teed.
Here's my Halloween toast to you: Here's hoping that whatever evil spirit may inhabit your body recognizes your organized religion and responds to the standard demon GTFO's. Oh and lets us all stay away from the Scientologists. ((shudder))
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Good (?) Morning!
I have days that are filled with rainbows, sunshine and unicorns frolicking by and twitching their golden mane...this, this was NOT one of those mornings...and the only one left twitching is me.
Let's go back 16 hours to the end of my fantastic day with my family and a very pleasant afternoon next to the river and eating food that can only be consumed at harvest time and calories that I choose not to count because when given in sample form you are just "sampling" to see if it's worth really getting down and dirty and really eating it.
My face smeared with Nutella and banana crepes I happily left with munchkins and oyfriendbay for the hour ride home plus a few stops. I sent the kids to the porto-johns as I looked on knowing that the only way I could walk through those blue walls was if my asshole were going to fall out right there in the midst of the belly dancers and hand dipped corn dogs. Something about looking into a hole with other peoples poo, knowing that your shoes are going to touch the piss layered plastic flooring and your ass fat is probably going to slip off the ass gasket and get trapped in a only-seen-with-naked-eye bacteria laden crack in the seat....I'll hold it.
Well after 70 miles of driving, picking up my car from the mechanic and going to the grocery store because the law requires me to feed my children, that bacteria infested seat wasn't looking so bad, in fact...another 5 miles later I would have flirted with it and invited it to meet my parents!
I made it 4 blocks away before my bladder started getting really excited. It was like a 13 year old boy at a Beyonce concert excited. I actually think I may have had a contraction or two! I pleaded with it, I lied to it, I thought of images that would take my mind off of it...I hit the driveway at a rate of speed that isn't legal and was actually a bad idea with the contents of my bladder reaching max PSI. I threw open my door, left my kid in the back seat and peed (just a little) as I leaped over a Labrador, chucked a 5 year old and simultaneously pulled down my pants and sat on my un-bacteria laden toilet seat in sweet sweet bliss.
And so begins my morning from hell.
To be continued...
*EDIT* Okay I suck, that morning sucked, it all sucked. Maybe next time I write a "To be continued..." blog post, I can actually un-suck at finishing it!
Let's go back 16 hours to the end of my fantastic day with my family and a very pleasant afternoon next to the river and eating food that can only be consumed at harvest time and calories that I choose not to count because when given in sample form you are just "sampling" to see if it's worth really getting down and dirty and really eating it.
My face smeared with Nutella and banana crepes I happily left with munchkins and oyfriendbay for the hour ride home plus a few stops. I sent the kids to the porto-johns as I looked on knowing that the only way I could walk through those blue walls was if my asshole were going to fall out right there in the midst of the belly dancers and hand dipped corn dogs. Something about looking into a hole with other peoples poo, knowing that your shoes are going to touch the piss layered plastic flooring and your ass fat is probably going to slip off the ass gasket and get trapped in a only-seen-with-naked-eye bacteria laden crack in the seat....I'll hold it.
Well after 70 miles of driving, picking up my car from the mechanic and going to the grocery store because the law requires me to feed my children, that bacteria infested seat wasn't looking so bad, in fact...another 5 miles later I would have flirted with it and invited it to meet my parents!
I made it 4 blocks away before my bladder started getting really excited. It was like a 13 year old boy at a Beyonce concert excited. I actually think I may have had a contraction or two! I pleaded with it, I lied to it, I thought of images that would take my mind off of it...I hit the driveway at a rate of speed that isn't legal and was actually a bad idea with the contents of my bladder reaching max PSI. I threw open my door, left my kid in the back seat and peed (just a little) as I leaped over a Labrador, chucked a 5 year old and simultaneously pulled down my pants and sat on my un-bacteria laden toilet seat in sweet sweet bliss.
And so begins my morning from hell.
To be continued...
*EDIT* Okay I suck, that morning sucked, it all sucked. Maybe next time I write a "To be continued..." blog post, I can actually un-suck at finishing it!
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