Oprah's biggest gift EVER!

As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be on the Oprah show. Not any show mind you, one is particular. I'm not one for trying to look surprised when you find out that back stage is the natural birth parents you've been looking for for 30 years and some how you had never heard of GOOGLE*! Oprah's wonder-staff located them, ordered tickets from AMERICAN AIRLINES* and took them on a shopping spree at MACY'S* all the while filming these people crying over wrong leads and wanting to know where they came from!

*all asterisks are advertising deals that Oprah collects on her advertising scheme to become a bazzilionaire

Nope, the show that I wanted to be on was the holiday fantasmic production of awesomeness. Gluttony of electronics, bookings of entire cruise ships and perfect pollution free Prius's all means one thing: Oprah's favorite THHIIIIIIINNNNGGGS!

I wanted to be the one to cry when she told me to reach under my seat for the $1000 gift card for a shopping spree to her favorite bath and body store and I wanted to scream when she had her staff bring out women's Rolex's on silver tray's for the entire audience. I wanted to be the one who gets filmed fanning my face when Oprah gives away a trip to the Virgin Islands, damn it! A Prius? Eff yeah I'll drive a free prius! If you say a chicken pot pie is your favorite then dog-gone-it! It's my favorite too because I love you Oprah!!! (sob!)

Let me give you an insight to how the world works for me though. If I were to make it to the Oprah show for the "Favorite Things" show, this is how it would go:

(opening credits.....roll scenes of Oprah smiling at flattering angles with clips of Chicago in equally flattering light in 3...2...1....)

APPLAUSE and fast forward 45 minutes in...

Oprah: Now we have seen some amazing stories this year and I have worn some amazing outfits and tried to throw some ghetto slang in there so you people still think I am socially relevant. I have made another 17 zillion dollars and Stedman feels just a bit more inadequate. Yes, it's been a good year."

"We've waited long enough now for me to tell you all what my favorite thing is. Gail, could you come out and look awkward for a moment? I need your help passing out my FAVORITE thing this year. Sponsored by AMERICAN AIRLINES*, GOOGLE*, RACHEL RAY*, BORDEAUX'S BUTT PASTE* and GOD* HIMSELF! (pause) Give God* a round of applause people!"

-staff walks out with Santa hats on and hands out beautiful boxed made of faux fur and faux feathers(since we all know the big O doesn't support the killing of the furry friends for style, the only she kills is poly-blends!

Me(thinking): ooh my god oh my god oh my god.....

Oprah: This year's "favorite thing" gift is bigger than any show I have ever done. Worth more than my good friend Donald Trump. Crazier than Tom Cruise. This is bigger than me, people.

Me:(thinking): oh my goooood!

Oprah: It took a lot of people to make this happen.

Me (thinking): Whatever it is I am totally going to sell it on eBay with a copy of this episode to prove I was actually here and pay off bills and buy a new awesome car that I don't have to cut down on iced caramel non-fat mocha's for and then I am going to Aruba, no Greece, no Fiji no I'll buy my own island cause I'll be Oprah rich, bitch!

Oprah: This year, my favorite thing is......

Me: (holding breath)

Oprah: CHARITY*!!!!

Me: (Screams of joys and anticipation and cotton candy and unicorns then...) What the fuck?!!? My beautiful faux fur and peacock feathered box is empty. Yo, O. There has obviously been a mistake. There are no diamonds here. Not even a black opal AMERICAN EXPRESS. I can't buy an island with an empty box!

Her Majesty, Ms. Oprah tells us all that this year her favorite gift is giving back and leaves us with the message of hope and prayers and anoints us all to go out and find someone who needs our help and help them.

People are crying and nodding in agreement like she just spoke the words of their dead grandmother and I am standing there slack-jawed still hoping that my own private island is going to fall out of this cheap ass jewelery box. It doesn't, the show closes and I am the only person ever to be arrested for shouting "Fuck you, Oprah! I want my god damn private island!"

le sigh.


(Oprah, if you're reading this. I love you...and your chicken pot pie)