I read an article recently about child rearing and how awesome it is and it inspired me to write this blog post. Having a friend who is currently pregnant, I try to hold myself back for being that woman who constantly word vomits bits of wisdom, proving that I understand the process of womb explosion and successfully raising children without going to an all women's jail. So far I am almost 7 years in and I haven't been made someones bottom yet! (Knock on wood)
Parenting is messy. You think the hardest part is bushing a bowling ball out of your vajay-jay but I guaran-goddamn-tee you that it's not. I am here to SQUASH these misconceptions and add some truth to parenting.
Hair is over rated!
So now you have had your baby. The hard part is over, right? You've endured 9 months of *cross your fingers* an easy pregnancy. It just gets better from here! Right? RIGHT?!?
Well, I hate to break it to you but your skin is going to be flappy, your boobs are going to hurt and your hair is going to freaking fall out.
How did I go through my entire pregnancy with all of the advice the was unsolicited but given to me anyway and no one told me that my hair was going to fall out??? I seriously had some 117 year old lady at a Wal-mart, whom I had never met before tell me that if my baby was constipated to stick my finger in their ass to get stuff moving. WHAT?!? We could have skipped that little tidbit of your fucked up baby raisin' and you could have told me useful information like be prepared for clumps of hair to fall out (when you finally get to shower) like a cancer patient! By the way, in my experience a belly massage does WAY more than anal raping your poor baby..still shaking my head over this 7 years later.
"Enjoy every minute, it goes so fast"
Picture me this...About 3 weeks after giving birth to my twins I was sitting on the floor of the nursery, wiping poo off of my forearm, sobbing while 2 babies screamed bloody murder on the floor next to me after being fed, changed, cuddled, changed again, snuggled, swaddled and changed. In that moment with tears streaming down my face, my unwashed hair falling out of it's glamorous scrunchy and smelling like formula and throw up...I was most definitely NOT enjoying every minute.
I started thinking about what people had said to me. All of the "Oh what a gift" "You are so fortunate, I can't have babies" and the clincher "Enjoy every moment"! This only made me sob harder. I cried because I wasn't the glowing awesomeness that I was supposed to be and everyone told me I would be. I cried because I couldn't handle functioning on 20 minutes of sleep. I cried because I forgot to send my netflix's back and I won't get the new disc of 'Gilmore Girls' for 3 more days!
The truth: It's okay to not be a beautiful glowing wonder of womb awesomeness. It's okay not to enjoy EVERY minute. You smell, your haven't actually had a full shower in 10 days, you made wheat thins a full meal because you can eat them one handed and feed the baby in the other and you're gonna make it, sister! It sucks and you don't have to enjoy every minute of it. If your son pees on you, you don't have to find it endearing. If shit is running out of a diaper, you don't have to enjoy that moment and you CAN gag while trying to get them in the bathtub before they ruin the carpet! Having babies is hard...and messy...and bacteria laden! Do you realize how far poo can fly when used as a projectile!?! Just paint your walls brown now and save yourself a step.
Anything you can do I can do better!
No one warned me about the one-upper. You are sitting there at a play date(that's what you will start calling hanging out with someone that has kids too...) and your little Timmy is coloring a dinosaur bright orange with blue spots. You beam with pride that your little genius has finally figured out to color in the lines and not eat the crayola's (By the way...that IS amusing...it's like a diaper meets tie-dye! And it is okay to laugh before calling poison control.) The one-upper will have her child, little McStupid face, come over and tell you the freaking genus, species and preferred diet of the dinosaur! She'll sit there looking amused as you stammer something about how the other day Tommy said the funniest, smartest thing EVER! Be warned though...once this happens to you, you will find yourself locating weaker prey and doing this same thing. You'll be disgusted with yourself but secretly doing the "carlton" in your head.
SO...The brutal truth?
When you find yourself rocking back and forth at 3am and then you wake up at 3:15 standing in the same spot still rocking back and forth, know this: After all the shitty diapers, after all the sleepless nights, colic, and gas pains, it's worth it. It is SO worth every late night run to the pharmacy and sailor cuss words when running out of wipes at THE crucial moment. It's okay to cry, it's okay to be angry at the coffee pot for being 2 minutes off or the painting for being crooked. It's perfectly normal to start singing instructions to your husband/wife while you are rocking the baby so your keep a soothing rhythm. It get's better. First smiles, first steps and his first cuss word make all of the bad things so worth it. Until teens. That's when you just lock them in closet and drink your Mommy Juice, amiright?
